The Maid?

The maid? Really, of all the women in Cal-E Fornya, you had to go out and bone the maid? And not just any maid, but a 50 year old old maid? Not the sexy, sultry maid that comes to mind when I peruse ODgirls.com? Oh, Arnold, Arnold, Arnold, how we are disappoint. We are disappointed on so many levels. While I am not politically savvy in the least (the last candidate I voted for was Miss March), I think a lot of us thought you might actually be different. That you might be able to make real change and not behave like a typical two faced Republ…uh…Democ…uh politician. I mean, I know the role of governor carries all kinds of perks, adultery apparently implied. (Note to self, renegotiate my Donnybrook contract.)

OK, so maybe Maria Shriver ain’t your cup of tea. But I think it’s fair to say she has aged quite well in her years with Arnold. So if the Governator has to stray, I think we would all guess he would be chasing some young tail. (And as of this writing, there are already rumors that he was rendezvousing with some young hotties after hours.) You would think if he was sleeping around, it would be with cougars. Or at least an actress from his past, like Alyssa Milano. Who just happens to be pregnant now. Hmmmm…. To find out he merely went down the hall to the servants’ quarters is kind of a letdown. I mean, c’mon, you’re married to a Kennedy fer Christ’s sake! Seriously, you’re Arnold fucking Schwarzenegger. You’re a former Mr. Olympia and box office champion! And the best you can get your skank on for is some over the hill Consuela? I am sure with a little effort and a few links to your best clips on YouTube, you could easily score a Trishelle Cannatella or Kardashian cousin. Hell, shoot for the moon and chase Scarlett Johanssen.

What is it with the role of maid being a leading candidate for cheating? What are the special charms possessed by such duties that make guys cheat on their wives? Surely, the next grant I score from Donnybrook will cover a fully scientific investigation into the matter. But first, I must finish my current fully scientific investigation of my “x (number of red cups) + y (brand of cheap beer ) = z (vomit)” theory. Who says the ‘brook isn’t making a real difference?

Until those results come back, I am left with conjecture. Well, conjecture and a nagging sense of inferiority, but one issue at a time here. There is a saying, “Don’t go fishing off the company pier.” There is another saying, “Don’t dip you pen in the company ink.” What company has vast amounts of ink for one to go dipping in is up to debate. Essentially, don’t fuck where you eat. So, out of all the available and gorgeous options in Hollywood, Arnold has to bang uglies with his decidedly not sexy maid? Was there not a better option in the house? What about the delivery people? UPS has some talent.

So is it the maid that’s attractive, or what she does that makes her attractive? Much like hooker boots and vast amounts of make up and alcohol can turn a 6 into a solid 8. So is the real point of attraction here not the physical looks, but rather the physical behaviors? Think about it, what guy, no matter how secure or insecure, wouldn’t develop some sort of soft spot for a woman who caters to his every slob need? “Patty, pick up my sweaty gym socks, they are on the floor right next to the hamper.” “Patty, I am hungry. Please grill me a slab of ribs. No, not on the Foreman, on the grill. Yea, I don’t care if it’s 2 AM and raining out. Chop, chop. I need protein.” If you are a 6, you’re not getting the key to my place in the mansion. But promise me to clean it up, and I will give you the key and half of my SkyMiles. Of course, assuming you’ll be all tarted up in hooker boots and Maybeline.

At this point, in the interest of fairness and being a journalist and all, I need to state that we do have maids and menservants here at the Mansion. And I have been nothing but professional with all of them. (Note to self, shelf that “fetish for hot maids” expose.) I can’t speak for the rest of us, though. That’s for the DA to sort out.

And let us not forget the issue of who has sex these days and doesn’t protect themselves? I mean, especially if you’re gonna cat around, why would you not wrap it? Who the hell wants bastard progeny running amok? Is Maury Povich’s greatest cultural contribution all for naught? Not that I advocate cheating, but be smart. Protect yourself, your mate and your mistress. This isn’t the cartoon world of Last Action Hero, let’s be real here. I really think the most embarrassing thing here is that he didn’t use a $2 rubber. It’s one thing to explain to your wife that you cheated on her. It’s another thing to cheat on her with someone who is not good looking. It’s even worse to ‘fess up that you didn’t even bother to use protection. How do you broach that topic? “Honey, she was so ugly, she was a double bagger and I didn’t even feed the need to use a condom.” Ah, you can’t spell stupid without STD.

Now we’re left to watch this issue devolve even further. Quite frankly, I am already over it, but the media being the media these days, they will report on this every day. While I grow as tired of this as I do rapture predictions, there are issues here to learn from. Don’t cheat. For God’s sake, if you do, at least make it with someone young and attractive. And use protection. OK, maybe flip those two in terms of importance, but the point still remains. If you happen to find yourself in such a situation, Donnybrook is literally awash in professionals who provide counsel and advice. Really. Look, all of a sudden everyone and their brother has a fucking advice column here these days. We’re here to help.