The Pen Is Mightier: Fools Russian

Has Coconut Found THE ONE?

When you run a highly trafficked and respected advice column (The Coconut Clinic, surely you’ve read) you can imagine the volume of email that it generates. You can also imagine my surprise when going through my email, I came across a proposal. And while I certainly don’t get enough thanks for all the work I do (I.e not nearly enough BIE. Urban Dictionary, look it up.), I was surprised to get a proposal. I am pretty shrewd about this kind of thing, and I have to say, this is on the level! Total legitski! I think this broa…er, classy dame really understands me, and likes me for who I am! Doubt me? Fine, below is her email to me, and I am sure you will agree.

Hello. I liked your profile on dating service. My name is Nasta and I’m from Russian Federation. I search serious relations. Please, send me more your photos. My account pending approval, but you can write me on my e-mail and I will send you other my pictures. Ok? So you can reach me at: nastya38372@gmail.com

Well, hello, hello Nasta! And might I say what a unique and lovely name you have? Here in America, that name might lead lesser men into thinking lesser things of you. Perhaps you might think about a more “American” name? Something like Connie Lingus just might do the trick.

I am flattered you reached out to me in your cute, broken English. I am sure your Russian accent is nowhere near as annoying. Although I must politely scoff at your claim of finding me on a dating service. Sweet, sweet comrade, men like me have no need for an internet dating service. I can score chicks like Nickelback plays the same chords. But, hey, whatever angle you want to use to get to me, cool. But dear Nasta, the thing is you claim to know what I look like, but I have no idea what you look like, my sweet babushka. I will gladly send you more pictures, but I have to say I need to see what you look like. Coconut don’t blind date, my vodka vixen. So please send pics. No MySpace angles. No just head shots, although I do require at least a few of those. Like most horny American men, I must also see what your body looks like before I consent to a date. So please send 5 (пять) full body shots. Protip: the less clothes the better. Slutty costumes will also score you points. Another protip: our women shave over here; no Serbian winterbush, da?

I don’t know what the hell “my account pending approval means” so I will just skip that part. I will also skip the part where your name in your email address is spelled differently than how you spell it. A mere oversight on your part I am sure. English can be tricky in twelveteen different ways.

So Nasta, the ball is in your court. You should be flattered that I have turned your sweet, little missive into a column on a popular American website. So let’s make with the moose knuckle pics, huh? You strike me as a very sincere, open, honest girl, unlike all those Nigerian princes I have dealt with in the past. Bunch of scam artists.