The Pen Is Mightier: Let Me Axe You A Question

There is a stink in the air here in Colorado. For a change, it’s not the scent of burning houses and singed trees. No, what smells here is you, guys. You don’t smell…well…like guys. You smell like perfumed up sissymarys.

Within the last few years, there has been a literal explosion of the mens grooming aisle. No more are we stuck with the bland and easy choices of Dial and Head and Shoulders. No, some marketing dickhead decided to femme us all up. Now, it’s hard to tell the difference between ‘men’s body spray’ and ‘douche’. How did we let this happen, fellas? When did we stop acting like men and start getting dolled up like those slutty teen moms?

Do you really think the brave men who fought for this country’s very freedom ever doused them selves in ‘body spray’ or used ‘shower gel’? Hell, no, they used granite for soap, stale soup for shampoo and shaved with raw gun powder.

So some 70 years or so later, what are guys busying themselves with at CVS? We’re putzing around the aisles because we need to smell like Adidas. I love how the marketing dickheads have to use cool, uber-macho names for their swill.

I don’t know what’s worse: the name of the scent, or the copy they come up with to describe it. Let’s look at “shower gels.” Use the Kilo variety and “become the rugged and mysterious guy she’d do just about anything to touch.” REALLY? Who is gonna buy this shit, horny 12-year-olds? How does using a scent make one “rugged and mysterious?” If you wanna be mysterious, disappear for a few days and don’t shave. Using Jet will give you a “citrusy, fresh and aromatic scent.” Is this soap or a beer? Apparently, the eggheads have isolated the scent of “Anarchy”. And there’s even a scent named Thai massage; how they got it to smell like cum and lotion is beyond me. Yet, I will give them credit for coming up with a chocolate scented shower gel, that marketing dickhead deserves a raise. Before I chop his balls off. If he actually has any.

There is the very macho sounding Snake Peel scent, so scrub away with “desert minerals + cactus oil deep cleans and exfoliates to remove dirt and dry skin.” Seriously? “Exfoliate?” I don’t even know what that means. I’ve never had any of my buddies come up to me and say, “Roman, you OK? I think you need to exfoliate, man.” The description goes on to say, “Scrub away the skank with Snake Peel.” No, Axe marketing dickheads, sounds ta me like just the opposite. I am sure there is very little difference between the stuff, and it’s all just discontinued Avon cologne.

They even make something called a detailer, that is just a loofah. You know, the kind girls use.

So after all fruiting yourself up in the shower, don’t forget to continue your journey into becoming a girl. A big, dumb ugly girl. It’s body spray time, fellas.

Perhaps the Clix scent is what you’re looking for; “It’s a wink, a smile, an eyebrow raised in interest. It’s a special moment that happens between you and hottie.” Really? Shit, I thought it was just over priced body spray. But it can do all that? Well, I’m a damn fool to not be dousing myself in this. I am going to rush right out and buy this, and just wait for that special moment between me and a hottie. Who hopefully has a poor sense of smell and even poorer sense of self esteem. And all her teeth.

I mean, let’s face it, you can’t have lofty ambitions if you are using Cool Metal body spray. I really think those douches who use this crap pretty much broadcast to the entire world they will be lucky to make more than 25 grand a year and work just the day shift at Hollister.

Ugh, I see they’re even making body spray “for her” now. Great, for the couple that already isn’t enough a big set of tools. “Hey, babe, is that Anarchy you have on?” “Hey, stud, is that Anarchy YOU have on?”

So, after doing more thorough research, it appears that every scent comes in body spray, shower gel and hair gel. If you would like to smell like Cool Metal from literally head to toe, you have that option. If that strikes you as perhaps a bit too much, then you can sprinkle on whichever of this useless crap you choose. Just know the resulting aroma will be desperation.