The Pen is Mightier: The Truth Behind Cosmo Quizzes

I am surprised shit like this doesn’t happen more often. In case you are far to busy to go all clicky on the link, here’s the gist. After taking a Cosmo quiz, a man got frustrated and told his wife to stab him. Surprise, surprise, she did. How these stories aren’t in every newscast is beyond me. Really, guys, if you are going to take a Cosmo quiz with your girlfriend you are just asking for trouble. I can totally understand why the guy finally asked the girl to stab him; he was probably so sick of the drama and bullshit these quizzes cause, he was praying for sweet release.

True story; a few fellow writers did some freelance work for Cosmo. After a while, they were able to actually gain access to the generic outline they use for ALL their bullshit quizzes. Many people died for this information. Sure, they were manicured and pedicured to death, so at least they looked fabulous. It is at great personal risk that I present this info. But I do it as a service, for both male and female readers, so they see these quizzes are way slanted. Short version; if you’re a guy, you’re screwed, and not in the drunken late Friday night kind of way.

Generic Cosmo Quiz Outline

When your guys says he loves you, you think
a) he must be lying
b) he must be cheating. That bastard!
c) he did something wrong and I have to find out what it is

When he takes you out to a nice dinner, you
a) feel compelled to order the most expensive thing on the menu because you deserve it
b) make sure he’s not making eyes at the waitress
c) rip his balls off if he doesn’t pull out your chair

When he asks for oral sex, you
a) tell him only whores do that and you are a proper lady
b) tell him it’s “icky” and if he really loved you, he wouldn’t ask for such a thing
c) ask him to go down on you first, with no real intention to return the favor

When he tells you you look hot in that red dress, you
a) use the opportunity to tell him he dresses like a hobo and needs to clean up his act
b) say, “Damn right, mister!”
c) know your getting your way tonight

You think his “guy’s nights” are
a) sophomoric
b) an excuse to get all liquored up and act like a damn fool
c) a great opportunity to hold the fact that he can have fun without you over his head for six months

When he talks long term plans with you, you
a) can’t wait to ruin his life on a more permanent basis
b) you tell him you already had this planned out, then lay out your 30 year plan
c) you rub it in the face of your single friends

About his work, you think
a) he’s at a loser job
b) he will need to make far more to keep you
c) he better not be boinking that brunette in accounting

A quiet date at home entails
a) forcing him to watch some wretched rom-com with Sandra Bullock
b) talking about your feelings, and how he’s kinda loser-ish
c) playing board games until it’s clear he will beat you, at which point you throw a hissy fit and start a fight

On the rare occasion you allow him to watch the game you
a) roll your eyes and mildly insult him like we taught you in the October issue
b) make no effort to follow along, even though he watches your shitty Sandra Bullock movies
c) think he’s gay for one of the players

You love keeping the channels of communication open. When he asks you about your day, you
a) blather on incessantly for what feels like 2 hours
b) try to make him jealous by telling him all the guys want you
c) tell him he isn’t smart enough to follow along

During movie night, you
a) tell him the three movies you’d want to see, none of which are the Avengers
b) talk loudly back at the screen
c) never fall for the ol’ popcorn trick

When he slaves all day, spending hours making dinner for you, you say
a) the wine is all wrong, the appetizers were a bit cold and unappealing, the vegetables weren’t properly steamed so you will be deprived of precious nutrients, the meat was too rare for your tastes and he knew that and the dessert was fattening
b) tell him the food at Chuck E. Cheese is better
c) eat two bites and look on with quiet disdain

When taking him to a work party, you take opportunity to
a) snidely insult him in front of coworkers
b) make him subservient to your every whim while you flirt with half of accounting
c) other wise, continue to break him down

You come home on Saturday from your weekly shopping trip to find him on the couch-again-watching some sort of sporting game-again- you
a) ask him what the hell he thinks he’s doing while you’re out shopping
b) ask him who the hell thinks is going to do the dusting, vacuuming, cut the lawn, paint the shed, repair the door
c) say nothing because you swiped his card for your trip

You find one picture of him with his ex on Facebook from 3 years ago. You
a) Facebook stalk the hell out of that bitch
b) think he’s cheating on you with her.
c) question just what he saw in a tall, leggy blonde that wore tight clothes and actually smiled

After lovemaking, you say
a) that was it?
b) subtly suggest he has a small penis
c) finish your nails

After barraging him to tell you his celebrity crush, he tells you it’s Katy Perry. You
a) tell him she’s a first degree skank and most likely riddled with STDs
b) wonder along with him how Russell Brand was fucking tapping that
c) disavow the awesomeness of her boobs

His biggest fault is
a) he doesn’t deserve you
b) he doesn’t look like George Clooney
c) he doesn’t appreciate you enough

Your biggest fault is
a) your intense passion for life is simply beyond him
b) your tendency to date undeserving losers
c) your sexy body

Scoring; for every “a” answer, three points, every “b” answer is two points, “c” is one.

Results

57-39 You’re wasting your time with this loser
38-20 You’re wasting your time with this loser
19-0 You’re wasting your time with this loser