Stolen From Ol’ Man Bob
#1 Charming Nativity Scene
This is a meticulously handmade nativity scene that someone spent months making. It probably took them a week to paint the little plaster baby Jesus. Whoever made this fine piece of art died recently and their ungrateful, shit kids gave it away.
Price: Not for sale – it’s mine forever. An older lady begged me to sell it to her, but I told her I needed it to teach my children the story of Jesus and she still offered me $100 dollars!
#2 Stolen Desk
Why anybody would steal this from somebody is just bizarre. Maybe old man Bob pissed off his neighbor and they crept into his house and stole his desk. Who knows… One thing is clear, the thief wanted antique dealers to know that Bob doesn’t lock his doors.
Price: I challenge you to find this and steal it.
#3 Virgin Eyeballs
Guess what girls? You want to know how to be a saint? First, stop having sex. Second, the next guy that tries to have sex with you, pluck his fucking eyes out. Price: Not for sale – it hangs above my bar.
#4 Giant and Tiny Flat Heads
It’s the Ron Jeremy and James O’Keefe of flat head screwdrivers.
Price: I actually need these. The big one is for loosening up tight slots and the little one for laughing at.
#5 “1 Nation/Republic Under God”
Price: Clearly, not for sale. I have to look at this horseshit every single day I drive to work. I would pay to have it burned down.