The Ten Worst Films of All Time – Part Two

The Shocking Conclusion to the Greatest List in all of Listery

 Part Two of this list continues with the awfulness that was listed in Part One and gets, of course, even awfuller. Please do recall my previous mention that “after much consulting with myself, I have come to the conclusion that these are, without question, the worst movies I have ever seen and therefore must be the worst movies ever.” 

I also noted that they are all pretty recent releases. It isn’t that bad movies weren’t made before my lifetime. They were. But I tend to easily fall into “Well, by god, they tried their best.” The following films can’t say that. Is laziness a newer invention? Sure, why not. I can’t be bothered to look up everything.

All opinions are solely my own and your responses, while almost certainly unintentionally hilarious, are wrong. Are these answers the only correct ones and absolutely iron clad? Yes. That said, if I change my mind tomorrow, I am allowed. Because I am me and you are not.

Your responses and arguments are valuable to me in that I will print them repeatedly and use them for kindling in my fireplace. After the roaring fire is built, I will then crank up my air conditioner and let them battle it out as I listen to the crackle and pop of how misinformed you are.

Love, Irving J. Silvertoad

5 | Howard the Duck

It managed to do the following:

A- Make Tim Robbins lame.

B- Make Jeffrey Jones lame.

C- Give me terrible nightmares as a kid of that tongue in the cigarette lighter thing.

D- Give me terrible nightmare images of Lea Thompson making out with a duck.

E- Make me no longer attracted to Lea Thompson.

F- Be terrible in lots of other ways.

Why is there another emerging theme of interspecies sex on this list?

But it does have the most kick-ass crazy Japanese-Americana diner ever in it. I want to eat there every day.

4 | Birdemic: Shock and Terror

Okay. I know I am putting it on this list. But you have to see it. It’s the story of a girl way too good looking to be in this movie dating a guy who might be asleep for most of the film that fall into a love that makes no sense and then the world is attacked by birds who think pollution sucks. It is written and directed by James Nguyen, a Vietnamese immigrant who loves movies but has mixed feelings, it seems, about making them good.

I resisted putting it here because it is clearly the effort of people who tried their best and failed, which is relatively honorable. You should watch it, if only for the same reasons parents watch their kids ride their bike one-handed and pretend to be impressed. Questions to keep in mind when you see it:

Why are they the only people in the bar?

Why didn’t they tell her to wash her feet before the love scene?

Why is the boardroom scene so homoerotic?

Why do the birds explode like missiles on impact? Do they drink gasoline?

Where did the machine guns come from?

Shouldn’t a title sequence be checked for grammar?

Did they drug the child actors?

Can one successfully fight anything off with a coat hanger?

One could easily show the dialogue scenes to students and then just instruct them to do the opposite when they write.

Good news: A sequel is forthcoming. Bad news: It is aware of the joke and (judging from the trailer) winking at itself. Even a minor cash grab can ruin a thing. Better to just give Ngyuen a tiny budget and insist he needs to make a great piece of art. Please someone do this. It better be pretty shitty or I will be disappointed.

3 | Battlefield Earth

I’m guessing that in Scientology circles, John Travolta screwed up somehow and his penance was to put Hubbard’s magnum opus on the screen.  He managed to loop in Roger Christian, almost certainly through some kind of coercion or blackmail. Christian is a talented guy. He helped to make the Star Wars films and whenever you see old behind the scenes footage he is the wildly handsome hip guy who looks like he is hanging with the nerds just because, fuck you, he can do anything and still be rad. All that said, Christian fucked up here.

Travolta manages to channel the late actor/actress Divine here in preparation for his work in Hairspray, evidently. He plays a nine-foot tall (again!) alien with five working fingers and one floppy foam one on each hand who wishes that he had a better job. He screams and trills dialogue that makes Birdemic sound like Glengarry Glen Ross. The special effects aren’t special, unless you mean in a polite for stupid way. But that isn’t all. The movie is designed to make you sick to your stomach. EVERY SINGLE SHOT in the movie is dutch, meaning tilted. It’s like you are in constant danger of sliding out of your seat as you watch it.

 Why is Forrest Whittaker in this thing? Did they hold his loved ones hostage?

You know that party game where people watch a crappy movie and drink and make fun of it? Playing that game with this movie often results in mass suicides.

2 | Disaster Movie/Epic Movie/Meet the Spartans

The least funny comedies ever. And are responsible for the youth getting dumber. Repeating scenes from other movies with different people in the parts is not funny. Mentioning whatever pop culture thing is current while filming is not funny. They are dated before they are even released. I hate these movies. Teenagers love them. Ergo, I hate teenagers. The “writing” and “directing” “team” of Jason Friedburg and Aaron Seltzer should be beaten to death with copies of Airplane! and The Naked Gun.

1 | Bad Boys II

Michael Bay pops his horrible, leathery, weasel with a wig head up again and takes the top spot. Whenever Will Smith gets too self-righteous about himself and his dignity and being above the fray, remind him that he was in Bad Boys II. I’m going to try and be rational, try to make sense, try to not just start frothing and screaming.

First, the obvious one: Cash grab. What in the world could possibly have made this movie appealing to make beyond the money? I can’t even hazard a funny guess. Nothing at all is appealing about this.

Senseless violence. I am not against violence in film. I am against violence without sense or consequence. Films that make violence fun. The ostensible “heroes” in this film love violence. The only consequence they face is getting a bullet in the ass and that provides them with lots of opportunities to make homophobic jokes. Which brings us to . . .

Casual hate. This film hates everyone it remotely can while keeping the powers that be happy. Every race, poor people, women, gays, they all get taken apart in this film. The most appalling thing in this is how much this movie even allows the heroes to brutalize a young black kid. In the film, a very sweet looking, polite young man comes to pick up Martin Lawrence’s daughter for a date. This poor kid is subjected to the ugliest series of threats and insults possible from the two hero cops! They insult his blackness, they threaten him with violence, they question his sexuality, and the pull guns on him! Why are these men so cruel? And the scene is played for laughs. Ha! He pulled a gun on that poor kid and scared the shit out of him for no reason. Hilarious!

Making the case for necrophilia. One of the biggest “laughs” in the movie is Martin Lawrence ogling the naked body of a woman with large breasts. This corpse is referred to as a stripper and a bimbo. Because of her boobs. Lawrence then manages to find himself hiding under the sheet with her on the gurney and face-to-breast with her. Is he appalled? Disgusted? Scared in the moment? Nope. He seems unsure if it’s okay that he clearly is into it.

Why doesn’t anything in the movie make sense in physical space? Transformers  is full of restraint and clarity in comparison. The much ballyhooed highway chase has some extraordinary shots in it but were apparently just randomly stitched together. I defy anyone to really explain what the hell is happening in this scene.

One last thing that I will mention out of the very, very many things still left to be infuriated by: the last chase scene rolls down a Cuban hilltop. Fine. But there happens to be an extremely poor village on the hilltop. The heroes roll through this town and absolutely destroy it. Okay. They gotta get away. Fine. But they ruin, easily, hundreds of lives. These people are living in shacks, poor and all of their possessions are destroyed. I doubt they have homeowner insurance or 401K’s to fall back on. It is played to look awesome.

Will Smith, stop pretending you give a shit about other people. At least Michael Bay is aware that he is a shitty person and embraces it.

So, there it is. A top ten list of the bottom films of all time, without question, hesitation, equivocation or possibility of revision. If you feel a need to defend any of these, you are clearly a terrible person.