Things That Could’ve Been Cool, Could Still Be Cool If Executed Properly, But Aren’t: Steampunk

Written by  //  August 5, 2010  //  Uncategorized  //  2 Comments

In my life and times, I have come across a great many things that I could wholeheartedly enjoy if it weren’t for the fact that enjoying said thing would inevitably involve having to either deal with or be associated with other people who enjoy the aforementioned thing. Like The Grateful Dead, Anime, the military and general auto-mechanics, Steampunk (and all associated ephemera) is fucking cool as hell right up until the issue of who actually enjoys this shit. This type of correlation will be illuminated in the future, I assure you. For now, let’s take a brief look at why Steampunk the product is universally cooler than Steampunk the subculture.

Example A: Steampunk Headphones

Clearly, these things are fucking awesome. Any well-dressed man (or WOman, for those progressive types) about town would be unquestionably setting the scene if wearing these. Aside from being stylish, comfortable and practical (the guts being reworked from a fairly nice set of standard Panasonics), they straddle that fine line that lies somewhere between comfortable and quietly unique that butters all of our buns. Whatever outfit you’re wearing, whatever subbacultcha you’re coordinating yourself around, these little shits would fit the bill day in and day out. I should have made these. You should have made these. Hell, I still might make these. But whatever I (or we) end up doing with this idea, we should take careful steps to distance ourselves from the originator who we see in all of her retarded glory below:

This is the bitch that made this shit. Props to her for coming up with some good ideas, but is this really the type of girl you look at and think “I want to have meaningful moments with her in important cities”? No. No. A thousand times no. Look at her. Just fucking look at her. She probably goes by a name that her parents didn’t actually give her. Probably identifies herself by some base moniker that she adapts to deviant-art and assorted messageboard usernames. Probably has knee-boobs. Probably watches Sakura Wars. Probably doesn’t have any clue what the fuck she is holding (not that any of us do, but hey, it might help fix a zeppelin or something!) I mean, she could still, you know, get it if I was the right kind of drunk, but then I’d have to get all emotionally involved and she’d end up never overdosing quite enough on anti-depressants for me to be rid of her ass once and for all and I’d still have to hear from her once in awhile and shit would be REAL WEIRD MAN, REAL FUCKIN’ WEIRD and nobody wants that.

Example B: Steampunk All-In-One Computer

Look at this thing. Absolutely breathtaking. The ingenuity behind this is the stuff of tiny revolutions – whoever made this has succeeded in taking a rather ugly necessity of modern society and transformed it into something that is beautiful and functional. So many times I see a person’s home and take note of the subtle ways in which technology has quietly built an almost menacing presence in what is supposed to be a place of asylum. People arrange furniture, entire living spaces around monolithic, high-definition monsters that tend to destroy any attempt at a decorative theme of any kind for the simple fact that people tend not to model home-decor after their local Best Buy. Modern technology is hideous and oppressive to the point that no matter what other activity you might be engaged in (reading, fucking, crying, playing guitar, cooking, etc.), it is constantly there and it is constantly waiting.

The machine we see above destroys that notion, turning an otherwise abominable Dell-turd into a work of art and, most importantly, putting technology in it’s fucking place.

But then there’s the downside. No matter how impossibly cool this thing is, there will never be any escaping the fact that it was probably made by one of these fags:

I think you understand my point. I doubt any of these nerds have seen a set of actual genitalia in the past several years that they haven’t had to disassemble from some unholy labyrinth of lace, leather and superfluous buckles.

So please, people of proper taste, get to work. Get building. Don’t sit around calling objects “found” or workshops “maker spaces” or whatever other progressive tag you can apply to shit that never needed a googlable term before now, and build a better, prettier world.

Technology is slowly but surely enslaving us and it is up to you to make sure that the only people left who know how to make the modern world their bitch AREN’T THESE PEOPLE. After all – if the bombs finally drop and we find ourselves wandering the wastes, do you really want to owe one of these people a beej just to fix your water purifier? Certainly not – you’d be a lot better off owing me one (as even in a post apocalyptic scenario, I would still find myself showering with more regularity than these people.)

About the Author

Dr. Lazarus Helm

Dr. Lazarus is a smuggler by day, snuggler by night. Born and bred in rural Kentucky, Helm discovered upon his 18th birthday that he was descended from eastern European nobility.

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2 Comments on "Things That Could’ve Been Cool, Could Still Be Cool If Executed Properly, But Aren’t: Steampunk"

  1. John Wenzel August 9, 2010 at 5:34 pm · Reply

    So very true…

  2. Colonel Hector Bravado September 10, 2010 at 9:06 am · Reply

    Stop saying “steampunk.”

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