To: Television, Re: Your Relationship With Women

Yo TV.  I’m talking to you now.  I’ve been seeing a lot of your commercials lately (yup, I sometimes watch you when you haven’t been DVRed, thus necessitating my actually watching commercials.  How very middle-class of me, I know.)  And I’m concerned, TV.  You don’t seem very happy.  You seem, well… you know what, I’ll just say it.  I’m worried about your marriage, TV.  Because, judging from what I’m seeing in your commercials, you HATE YOUR WIFE.

First there’s that Klondike commercial, where the chubby slobby guy enters a “what would you do for a Klondike bar” competition.  His challenge?  He must listen to his hot wife TALK ABOUT HER FRIENDS for 5 seconds!!!  It clearly almost costs him his life, but he does it, because “what would you do for a Klondike bar.”, etc. Seriously, he’s all “I would listen to my boring-ass wife do her blah-blah-blah thing for a full five seconds even though I can barely even stand to look at her because you know, she’s my lame boring (probably also nagging) wife, amirite?!?!”

TV, how did that chubby slobby guy even get a wife that hot in the first place?  And why did he marry her if he doesn’t want to listen to her talk?  Maybe she’s like a really good cook or something, I guess.  Also, if he literally cannot stand to listen to her for even 5 seconds, how does their shared life work?  Does he just start screaming indiscriminately in her face every time she opens her mouth?  What if she, like, wants to know whether he wants ham or turkey from the store?  Or she needs to tell him that their dog died?  I think information like that takes more than 5 seconds.  But whatever, I’m sure they figure it out, somehow.

And the beer commercials, TV.  OH, the BEER COMMERCIALS.  Man, they’ve just gotten MEAN, ya know?  What about that one where the guy buys a 6-pack, which magically turns his apartment into the coolest nightclub in town?  And all these hot girls go running into the club, you know, and the guy and his buddy do that raised eyebrow bro-look at each other, like “all riiiiiight, we are about to get soooo laaaaaaaid!”  And then there’s a bouncer outside, and the guy’s girlfriend is trying to get in, and she’s NOT ON THE LIST.  And the guy’s all shrug “sorry, girlfriend” and the girlfriend gets all huffy and angry, amirite?   And she’s, like, holding a bag of groceries or something!!  She went grocery shopping for her and her boyfriend and now she’s not allowed into her boyfriend’s nightclub/apartment?

And it’s not just the men in the commercial relationships, TV.  You know that other beer commercial where the women send their men off in an alien spaceship with those hot aliens?  Ok, here’s what happens:  hot aliens come down to Earth and say they need to mate with all the men.  The men are all “oh sorry, honey, I have to go mate with hot aliens.”  And the women are all “Wah wah I’m sad about that”, but as soon as the men leave in the spaceship, the women are ACTUALLY all “Woooooo the men are gone let’s party!”  I mean, who honestly thinks that about their significant other?  That’s just terrible.

TV, what are you trying to say?  Would your wife not be welcome in your fantasy nightclub?  Can you not stand to listen to your wife talk for 5 seconds?  Do you think your wife has more fun with her girlfriends than with you?  These are very serious problems if you actually feel that way about someone you’re choosing to spend your life with.  Without being too presumptuous, TV, I would like to suggest that maybe you and your wife invest in some marital counseling.