TPIM: Exclusive Anthony Weiner Interview
Editor’s Note; while this was submitted to me by Mr. Coke, I have no evidence to proclaim this as a legitimate interview with Mr. Weiner. While Mr. Coke’s reputation is beyond approach, he has an occasional tendency to take things out of proportion for the sake of making a story compelling. (Newsflash, he is not, in fact, dating Sara Underwood despite how many
times he claims he is.) But everything else he has been submitting lately has been ass, and this is the best thing he’s done in weeks. So take this interview with a grain of salt. In fact, take it with a lot of salt, followed by a shot of tequila.
Truth be told, I am loathe to get involved in politics. A successful career in double agentry will undoubtedly lead anyone into contact with any number of mid to high level politicos. The parties can be great, but the bullshit can be such… bullshit. Needless to say through countless (and wildly successful) missions, I have developed a contact or two who owes me favors because you slobs get to wake up safe every damn morning. Seeing as how life is a bit slow about the Manor these days (All we’ve been doing is hosting screenings then writing about them.) I thought it would be a nice change of pace to delve into a political issue.
Now I know most of you are not political (Believe me, that comes as no surprise) but I am sure you are aware of who Anthony Weiner is. In case you didn’t, this means a few things. You still haven’t recovered from 4/20. You live under a rock with no cable access to at least a half a dozen news channels clamoring for headlines. Or you’re not a hot chick on Twitter. Weiner is a married NY politician who had to leave office a few years back when he was busted sending pictures of his junk to another woman. He did the typical politician move; deny, deny, deny. Of course this never works out, and he had to go hide in shame, with his kinda attractive wife actually standing by him. Now when he thinks enough time has gone by that the morons that make up the voting public have forgotten his shenanigans, he throws his hat into political arena, again. Wanna guess what happens next?
Exactly, turns out he was again sending pics of himself to women. Hey, maybe this stuff works in high school campaigns, but in the real world, not so much. So when a contact offered me a chance for a sit down with Mr. Weiner, I of course had to take advantage. I mean, if anyone wants to rehab their image, where better to turn than Donnybrook?
So what follows is my interview with Mr. Weiner.
Coconut Roman Coke: Mr. Weiner, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me.
Anthony Weiner : I’ll appreciate if you would lose that smirk when you call me Mr. Weiner. Look, I’ll be honest, I don’t know who you are or why I am doing this.
CRC: You are doing this because (name withheld) owes me a favor. And they know that one time when you (action deleted) with (name withheld) in the (redacted) while (name withheld) (redacted) a (unintelligible word) in your (deleted).
AW: Fair enough. I understand you are a writer. I look forward to an open, honest interview.
CRC: Whatever you say, Mr. Danger.
AW: What did you just call me?
CRC: Right, let’s summarize your story and bring all our readers up to speed. You came to prominence when, as a congressman, you were sending dick pictures to young women.
AW: (appearing a bit nervous) Well…that…the story there is….it’s old news. Yes, I had a grievous error in judgment that I learned a tremendous amount from. It was stupid on my part. And I mean, hey, c’mon, let the first guy who has never sent a naked picture of himself to another woman who wasn’t his wife throw the first stone.
CRC: (throws stone, clocks Weiner in the head)
AW: HEY! OW! That hurt! And where the hell did you get a stone so fast? You mean, you’ve never done that?
CRC: No. Hell, I’m so good you can GIS me and still not see a picture of me. I’m that good of a double agent. So this all brings us to recent events. After swearing you were done with this behavior, it has come to light that you are, in fact, still sending dickpics to hot young things. Explain yourself.
AW: I assume you are talking about Ms Leathers? Um, yes, about that, (nudges closer to CRC, in a hushed tone) Can we go off the record here? Kill the tape recorder.
CRC: (Picks up phone, checks his network on Friendster, puts phone back down) OK, what?
AW: (smirking) That Leathers is a piece of ass, amirite? High five?
(sound of high five being administered)
CRC: And we’re back. So what’s the deal? Why are you back to texting dick pics after the mess the first time? Didn’t you learn anything? Aren’t you worried about your image with the public? How can people trust you? How can your wife trust you?
AW: Those are all very good points, Mr. Coke, and I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to answer them.
CRC: Um, we’re waiting….
AW: For what?
CRC: Your answers?
AW: What answers? I just wanted to thank you for the opportunity. I didn’t say anything about actually answering the questions.
CRC: Look, Mr. Dang…uh Weiner, this is a chance to clear the air. Provide answers for your behavior. So, again, I ask you, how can people ever trust you again?
AW: I’ve made mistakes, everyone knows this. I thought I had my problem beat, but I didn’t. I have recognized that I still have issues to fix. I am very actively taking steps to seek help for my situation.
CRC: What kind of steps?
AW: I find writing my problems out has been a tremendous help to me. So I have written out all my problems to a very intelligent expert in the matter of relationships.
CRC: And may I ask just what the credentials of this expert are?
AW: Well, you understand I can’t name names, but let’s just say I have the best of the best. He is the absolute top of his field in giving advice on the internet.
CRC: Wait a minute, you’re not CarlPeligro100001, are you?!
AW: Oh dear God, that wasn’t you, was it? Please tell me it wasn’t you.
Protracted period of slience. Awkward silence.
CRC And what kind of bogus name is Carlos Danger?
AW: I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me (makes air quotes with his fingers) Coconut Roman Coke.
CRC: YOU SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH UP AND PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN BEFORE I BREAK YOUR GODDAMN FINGERS!
Another brief period of silence
CRC: Sooo, have you stopped sending pictures of your junk to women now?
AW: Yes, I have. Excuse me a minute. My phone went off, might be an important political issue. (Takes phone out, slips it down the front of his pants, takes a picture.)
CRC: Did you just….
AW: Nope. Important political issues. (Sound of him sending a text comes from his phone.)
CRC: You know, I thought it was odd you wore sweatpants to this interview.
AW: Mr. Coke, I am afraid this is all the time I have for this interview.
CRC: What? I still have more questions?
AW: Fine. One last question, but make it good.
CRC: Fine. Who trims your bush? Huma? You do it yourself?
AW: Who trims YOUR bush?
CRC: Well, if you’re talking literally, then we have our Hispanic ground crew. All with the proper paperwork, I might add. If you’re talking figuratively, then we have an Asian crew for that. Akira is especially talented, yet gentle. Here’s her card.
AW: And how old is this Akira?
CRC: Yeah, on second thought give me that card back.
AW: Fine. Well, I must go now as I have pressing political matters to attend to.
CRC: I thank you for your time for this exclusive interview. Now, I will be off as well. My girlfriend Sara Underwood is making me dinner tonight.