True Story I Tell You….

ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENTS ROB, KIDNAP, POUND ON THINGS WHIMSICALLY

Five schizophrenic men calling themselves Man Man swindle Denver businesses

By Charlie Bangs

Staff Writer

March 27, 2007

Denver, CO

Denver, CO

–

Five patients of Denver’s Wonderfully Funderfully Madhouse facility in Bailey escaped Tuesday, first robbing three Denver businesses and then hijacking the stage at dive bar Larimer Lounge.

“This comes as a complete shock to us,” said Denver police spokesperson Rita Johnson. “We didn’t know such a mental facility existed in Colorado.”

The men suffered from the hilarious kind of mental disorders, said Phyllis Walker, Chief Psychologist and Director of Laboratory Operations at the Denver University School of Psychological Disorders in the Human Brain occurring from 1977-1993, M.A. F.L.B.3.

“It wasn’t that downer kind of schizophrenia where, say, they believed Satan was controlling their internal organs,” said Walker. “It was the kind of disorder that made them speak in that hilarious, whimsical word salad that inspired Dr. Seuss and the Mad Hatter. They were fun,” said Walker. “They used to have Tom Waits and Charlie Parker parties, banging on pots and pans and slow dancing together.

All five were, quite coincidentally, professional musicians in extremely successful bands who suffered mental breakdowns during their careers. Brian Thompson, who legally changed his name to Chang Wang shortly before hospitalization, was the oft unheard of trumpet player in the Rolling Stones. Wang suffered a mental breakdown after witnessing the amount of drugs Keith Richards injected over the decades, finally wandering the streets of San Franciscoand shaking complete strangers, yelling “WHERE DID THE DRUGS GO” in their faces. The other members were said to work with Madonna, Rivers Cuomo, and Milli Vanilli.

The men bonded over their shared musical proficiency, said Walker, as well as their haunted pasts. Pow Pow, originally drummer Tom Stedman of Madonna’s backing band, had night terrors in which he reenacted Madonna music videos.

“He mumbled ‘Lucky Star’ under his breath pretty much constantly,” said Walker. “At breakfast Tuesday morning, he was shouting it in a high pitched yelp. I could tell he was nervous.”

The patients were put to bed after bingo at 7:00 p.m. and escaped at approximately 7:30. Their methods were to tie socks and brightly-colored handkerchiefs together, and use those as ropes to climb out their windows.

“We do need to increase security here,” said Walker.

Then they banded together in an a capella marching band to get past the guard.

“They were singing ‘Man man man man man man man man.’ I thought they were the men’s choir that sometimes visits the patients on Wednesday mornings,” said Peter Paskin, the night guard at the facility.

The band then robbed the ARC on S. Broadway by gun point – or so it appeared – calling themselves ManMan.

“They stole shit from the trinkets section in the back, and no one buys that crap, so I didn’t mind,” said Toby Eaton, 17, cashier at ARC. “They did knock an old lady down in the process though.”

According to Eaton, items stolen include a duck trinket that rattles when shaken, a plastic rabbit with antlers and a feather sticking out of its head, several headbands, and face paint.

“The one dude had the gun under his shirt. When they were leaving, he pulled it out and it was a slide whistle. He blew it, bowed, and then they took off,” said Eaton. “It was a good time.”

They also robbed the Crate and Barrel in Cherry Creek and a pawn shop on S. Broadway in the same fashion. They made their way downtown via the 15 bus that runs down E. Colfax, according to security cameras. Bus driver Ben Stownley couldn’t recall the band of face-painted, head-banded, jangling multi-instrumental mental patients.

“Mental patients? Which ones?” asked Stownley. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

The band also made it backstage at the Larimer Lounge undetected.

“I just thought Colourmusic was playing again,” said Loren “The Bartender” Speer, who works at the Larimer.

After Big Timber played, Man Man began setting up their concoction of stolen instruments and tchotchkies before an annoyed sound man.

“I fucking hate these weird indie collectives,” he said.

They proceeded to play a completely improvised, feverish set to a drunk and enthusiastic crowd. Honus Honus belted out screaming, furious lines of whimsy in front of the band’s eerie, soft falsetto “la la la la la”s delivered with paranoid expressions on their faces.

“For being mad, the musicians worked in unison on a higher level,” commented concertgoer Jon Bell, after the incident. “They would all be banging on pots and pans, and you blink, suddenly they’re all playing these crazy green horns that they pulled out of no where.”

“My favorite is the cymbal player,” said music journalist Erin Barnes during the concert. “The cymbal is teeny tiny but he keeps bashing the hell out of it like it’s a gong. Then he just grabbed the duck trinket and blew his trumpet in its face angrily.” Barnes called the live performance “fucking hilarious.”

“I can’t pinpoint what their secret is to playing so well,” said Eli Walker, member of a thirteen-piece indie collective with members spread across Canada. “Maybe they practice every day.”

After the show, the band loaded their equipment into Big Timber’s van.

“I wanted to say ‘Hey guy, that’s our van you’re stealing,’ but they were all silly and dancing around. Great guys,” said Big Timber vocalist and guitar player Trevor Morris.

Then Man Man’s Alejandro Bjorg went behind the counter, opened the cash register, and stole its contents. He then picked up an unidentified female patron, put her under his arm, and told Speer that he would be “stealing her.”

“The girl was just laughing,” said Speer. “We all thought it was a joke.”

The Larimer Lounge is trying to figure out the identity of the kidnapped woman, who is still missing. Man Man, despite several warrants, has been able to continue up through Canada undetected, and is scheduled to play with Mannequin Makeout at Boulder’s Club 156 April 9^th. The Larimer Lounge is closing due to the robbery.