Video Game Sexy Time

Written by  //  February 16, 2011  //  Video Games  //  2 Comments

In the beginning God created sex, and it was good, and he saw it was good, so he said it was good… and it is good: However man has, in his arrogance, sought to make a good thing better and like everything else, we have failed with a level of expertise not seen since the administration of Æthelred the Unready.

There has more recently been outcry from parents’ associations, religious leaders, and generally the old and ignorant at large over the incorporation of sex (and violence) in video games. You’ll recall the controversy surrounding the Grand Theft Auto series simulating sex so graphically by showing the back of a car whose shocks seemed to be defective, or maybe even the “hot coffee affair” (in which two clothed figures dry humped). Parents were terrified that Mass Effect would teach their kids that inter-species sex was acceptable, not to mention homosexuality in Mass Effect 2. Fable, Second Life (it’s a video game, face it) and even the Sims allow players to simulate sex, albeit mostly nipple-less, brief and boring. It seems to be the very idea of sex that scares people, because that’s all video games portray now, the idea, rather than the act of sex. In many games now, one can catch sexually transmitted diseases, and in Fable 3 in particular, one can choose whether or not to use protection, can catch STDs, and if you’re really unlucky you can end up having to pay child support. What better way to help kids understand the consequences of their actions?

This is no new phenomenon; au contraire, this idea has been around since the first era of video games; and one video game company, Mystique, saw it as their mission to introduce terrifyingly horrible depictions of interactive sex to the masses. Their titles include such classics as Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em, where the player operates two identical nude blond(?) women with Picasso-esque bodily proportions in an attempt to catch ejaculate and swallow while the computer masturbates over head (I think the penis is modeled after Ron Jeremy); an alternative version exists in which the player operates two men who are attempting to collect and swallow the breast milk of a witch.

Of the great pantheon of world shatteringly beautiful titles to be produced by Mystique, none roused as much rabble as Custer’s Revenge. The player controls a cowboy (presumably General Custer) identifiable as such only by his boots, hat, and very general-y purple scarf, and the goal of the game is to cross the screen dodging a barrage of arrows to exact your revenge on a lovely pink squaw leaning up against a cactus, and players advance to the next level by exacting 50 thrusts worth of revenge on the fair maiden. Apart from the political implications of the game (namely the fact that the defeat of General Custer was the only good thing to ever happen to the Native American population ever, negating the need for “revenge.” see: trail of tears), this is a game in which the object is to rape a woman out of frustration for the failure of successfully committing genocide; Mystique said that the squaw was a willing participant, but you have to wonder what kind of woman is into sex against a cactus, and where the arrows are coming from and why they’re being fired. My theory is that she’s stuck to the cactus having ran out to tend to a wounded Indian fighter and in the fear of seeing General Custer fighting in his birthday suit walked backward and right into a cactus, and now the pain of removing the quills of the cactus are more than she can bear; the arrows are being fired by brave and selfless Arapaho fighters rushing to save the stranded squaw. In the end it’s obviously a game about rape, if you look at the cover you’ll see a crazed perverted rapist humping the leg of beautiful woman who is clearly tied and bound. That depiction of a great American Indian killing General is okay, because that’s not far off from historical truth, but it’d be more tasteful if the goal was to save the maiden rather than desecrate her.

This sort of disgusting experimentation is part of the process. Sex is a major part of what it is to be human, and our technology and art reflect that. When motion pictures were first developed, people immediately looked for ways to put pornographic pictures into circulation, some would argue that phone sex hotlines were the precursor to the modern day chat room, and the porn industry single handedly determined who would win the VHS/Betamax format war. It’s not going to stop, Trojan spends more money per year developing new ways to make your genitals hate you than the entire nation of Japan spends on vending machine toy poodles and DVDs of large animated robots who link up to form larger robots. We need to embrace that our technology reflects and influences how and why we have sex, and we need to be thankful that instead of simulating the rape of the innocents, we now have games that simulate the hardships of sex, both emotionally and fiscally. We need to be thankful that we now have a new medium for our kids to learn that sex has consequences, and in the end, we need to be thankful that our video game sex scenes are now much more anatomically correct, because nothing is more important than deflowering a same sex centenarian alien who actually looks like an alien.

About the Author

Hiram OCicero-McKnoxt

Hiram OCicero-McKnoxt is founder of Miyamotoism and avid free-baller, he emerged from deep in the Ouachita mountains sometime in the early to mid 90's and founded The Free and Amalgamated Order of Amateur Yo-Yoists.

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2 Comments on "Video Game Sexy Time"

  1. Professor Honeydew February 17, 2011 at 2:41 pm · Reply

    Is it just me, or did that last photo give everyone a raging boner?

    Just me?

    Great piece, Hiram!

    I would also like to propose an extremely graphic video game concept where you start out as a fledgling actor embarking on a career in pornography. Bang your way up the ranks, eluding STIs, facial-related eye injuries, and increasing your salary demands until you ultimately win a coveted AVN award. Ivyy would obviously need to be an unlockable, playable character in this game.

    Programmers–get to work!

  2. MAJID April 19, 2011 at 8:34 am · Reply

    خیلی قشنگ هستش

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