Yay! Golden Globe Fashion!
Because that’s all that really matters anymore, anyway.
My new favorite movie of the year (yeah I’m already calling it) The Artist cleaned up at last night’s globes, as it should have, but really, does anyone care? I mean, other than the moment when permanent freeze-dried cunt-face Angelina Jolie (too harsh? Come on – the woman could very well have a heart of pure gold but you can’t deny that in every picture of her she looks like the most royalist bitch to have ever graced the streets with the presence of her feet) saw Game of Throne’s winner Peter Dinklage make his way to the stage to accept his award for Best Supporting Actor in a Mini-Series and reacted like she’d never seen a little person in real-life before, does anyone care about what happened? I didn’t even watch them and I’ll sum it up for you – stars arrived, Ricky Gervais offended some people in his speeches but for the most part made people laugh, awards were handed out, people talked for too long, then everyone went and got drunk at afterparties. There – now you can say you saw the Golden Globes!
What people really care about is the clothes!! What did they wear?? Who was amazing? Who was total shit? Now you don’t have to pretend like you actually watched them, Alistair’s here to do all the thinking for you, which is what I do best!
Here’s my little Paint by Number’s collage of the best of the night – complete with my new favorite star, Uggie, from Best Motion Picture Comedy/Musical winner The Artist. I have to say I adored first-time nominee Callie Thorne’s (Necessary Roughness) sheer gown – it was simple, elegant, but still so fucking hot and sexy – and the simple but bold red clutch she pared with it – genius. And I LOVED Sarah Michelle Gellar’s tie-dyed dress – it was such a daring move on her part and I thought she pulled off fantastically.
Best of the Night: All I can say about nominee Viola Davis’ (The Help) Pucci number is Perfection. Utter Perfection. The way the color of the dress highlighted her skin turned her into this beautiful bronzed goddess of a thing, gracing the red carpet with her presence. And that slit up to there? So hot! She takes away my best dressed of the night, hands down. It was just a simple, elegant dress- but cut so well and done in such a divine color on her – so fantastic. It was a popular hue among the ladies of The Help, with co-star Emma Stone rocking a similar color to equal perfection.
Unfortunately I think I saw more shitty dresses than awesome ones. But that’s sort of par for the course when it comes to the Globes. People see it as a chance to be “daring” but it often falls flat. I think I used Katherine McPhee’s entrance in a Donna Karan shimmering nude dress as an opportunity to nod off a bit and let the alcohol take hold a little. It was either that or slit my wrists out of boredom.
As for the rest of the ladies that should’ve stayed home and watched: Reese Witherspoon looking like a fun-to-be-around but slightly alcoholic country singer you run into at Starbucks who comes across as super sassy, funny, and down to earth with her fans but in a few months you’ll read about her entering rehab.
Seriously, what the hell’s on Charlize Theron’s dress? Sitting on hands to stop myself from ripping that weird pile of fabric off her Dior gown. Winner Michelle Williams (Best Actress Comedy/Musical for My Week With Marilyn) looks like the flapper with the heart of gold who had nothing to wear to the big event so she tore the upholstery off the whorehouses best couch and used her pluck and spirit to whip up something to wear. And my “Oh Honey… No… just… no…” award goes to Lea Michelle – the Glee star just won a People’s Choice award for best TV comedy actress and I’m hoping this weird metallic floral number was just a big practical joke. There’s always the Oscars, sweetie, plenty of time for fashion redemption!
But worst of the night goes to one half of the most boring celeb couple alive, Jessica Biel. Continuing to barrage us with her Meh Assault on the World, Biel showed up to present in this long sleeved doily number that looked like a refashioned christening blanket from the 1940’s.
Some Notable Call-Outs:
Jolie & Pitt looking like everyone’s favorite, cool goth-lite couple (you know the couple in high school that used to be jocky-prep but then went rocker goth in a way that was still socially acceptable to their popular friends, like, she died her hair black and wears red lipstick and he let his hair grow out and doesn’t shower as much – “We’re totally rebels in a non-threatening way you can still accept” sort of way) yeah, that couple just showed up at prom.
Nominee Zooey Deschanel (Best TV Actress Comedy/Musical for New Girl) looking so twee I want to vomit all over her strategically cocked at an adorable angle face.
And this shot of 2011 nominee (Covert Affairs) Piper Perabo arriving on the red carpet had me cracking up – never mind her ridiculous bubble dress, why does her head look like it was reattached to her body with photoshop? I think dude in the back’s expression about sums up all this “what the fuck”-ness going on. Which is pretty much what you can say about the entire awards show thing in general. Check out the full list of Globe’s winners here!