Your Best Friend’s Girl

Dear Ivyy,

My best friend is dating a total cunt.

It’s not just me.  All of his friends can’t stand to be around her.  As a result some of them have already stopped hanging out with him altogether.  This isn’t an assumption it’s something we have all talked to one another about.  I know that sucks- talking about your friend behind his back- but at least I know this isn’t some personal vendetta.

None of us have the gumption to tell him how we really feel- not because we’re scared- but because we know he’ll get defensive and we will wind up losing him as a friend.

Since we all think the relationship will implode on its own before too long (who in their right mind would continue to be in a relationship with a manipulative self-absorbed bitch?) we just grit our teeth and endure the times when we have to be around her.  This spares all of us the no-win situation of having to directly confront the issue.

However, in the meantime my friends and I find ourselves in the awkward position of never wanting to spend time with someone who means a lot to us because we know that Ms. Thang will inevitably come in tow.

What should I do?  Does being a real friend necessitate speaking up?  Or would speaking up be the selfish thing to do?  I do not think they are happy together since they fight all the time-another reason to avoid hanging out with them- but I know that he doesn’t want to be alone.  As a friend do I keep my grievances to myself until after they break up or does a true friend intercede in cases such as this- like a dating intervention?

Your objective perspective is much needed.

Conflicted Friend

Dear Conflicted,

First off, my dear, let me be the first to congratulate you on your dashing use of the word “cunt”.  I’m not sure whether you’re male or female from your letter, but let me go on record right now in complete and total favor of making the word “cunt” a rad expression of frustration rather than the pearl-clutching horror that it currently is in today’s mainstream society.  (if you doubt the power of that word on the Normals, just try dropping a c-bomb in your next confession and listen to the sound of the bible dropping on the other side of the partition!)*.

*Haha totally just kidding we all know I would burst into flame if I were to cross the threshold of a religious institution!  Cheers!

Ok, so, on to your question, Conflicted.

I’m always worried to approach friends with my personal opinions on their relationships- I am of the belief that we really don’t ever know what goes on within the confines of an intimate relationship, you know?  That’s what makes a relationship so great!  You share this weird little world with someone and no one else can be a part of it!  That is so cute, isn’t it?  From the outside, however, it can be a frustrating thing- because you really only see the tip of the relationship iceberg, no matter how close you are to your friend.  You say they fight all the time- maybe that’s a part of their “thing”, you know?  Like, public fight, private makeup sex, or something.

SO.  We’ve established that you probably can’t really come all up on your friend with the “your relationship is bad” talk, if only because who are you to judge, judgy-pants?  However, that does not solve the problem that you are forced to spend time with a total cunt in order to spend time with your good friend.  And THAT is quite a conundrum, to be sure.  Here are some things I would consider:

1) You have no need to hold your tongue when ANYONE is being a cunt, amiright?  It doesn’t matter if it’s your friend’s girlfriend or a racist rich asshole with a bad toupee.  If someone’s being cunty, call them out on it!  “Hey, person with whom I’m spending my precious free time, you are being a cunt and making my time spent with you highly unpleasant.  Please stop your cunty action/words/thoughts, and let’s continue on with our pleasant time-spending, mmmkay?”  Yes it will cause momentary tension, but I guess you’re at the point in this situation where the tension is already there, it’s just a matter of bringing it to the surface.

2) Like I said, your free time is precious, and you should be able to choose how you spend it.  I understand that you want to continue hanging with your friend, but is there a way to limit your time spent with the cunt?  Maybe invite him to specific activities that he will come to alone, or during hours when you know his girlfriend will be busy?

I think if you follow these guidelines there’s a chance your friend will at least get the picture that you don’t much dig his girlfriend.  And from then on, its up to your friend what he does.  If he chooses his girlfriend over you that’s his prerogative, which sucks since you’ll be losing a friend, but really, what more can you do?

Whatever the case, if your friend DOES approach you, be sure to stay on the “I PERSONALLY don’t care for your girlfriend” train.  Try to keep it light, and don’t get into his personal relationship, because, remember, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW.  If you avoid the whole blame game thing, hopefully your friend will be forced to take a long hard look at his relationship and decide with eyes open what he wants to do.  In the meantime, sit tight, and make plans when Cunty Mcgee is working.

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